My bride and I were 21 years old when we got married.  17 years later, I still refer to her as “my bride” because it reminds me of how I’m supposed to love her as Christ loved the church.   Paul wrote to the church at Ephesus regarding the relationship between husband and wife in Ephesians 5:21 -33 (NKJV):

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

When I read this Scripture, I can’t help but want to emulate Christ’s love for His bride in the way I love my own.  I want to be God’s instrument for building up my bride.  The only way I can do that is by freely and unconditionally giving myself to her.  This can’t just be something I say, it is also something I must do.  I must live it out every day.  In this passage of Scripture above, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives three times.  The cynic would say it’s because men need to be reminded of everything at least three times.  While there may be some truth in that, I think what Paul is trying to communicate, in simple terms, is the importance of husbands loving their wives.

As many familiar with ancient Greek culture would know, they had four different words that are all commonly translated today as the word love.  While only two of these actually appear in the New Testament, it is important to understand the difference between each of these words and why the apostle Paul chose to use only one of these in this familiar passage on marriage.

Eros (ἔρως) was a common word for love.  It describes as one might suppose from the word itself, romantic love or a love that is sexual in nature.  It refers to a love driven by desire.  Storgê (στοργή) was another word used for love.  This infrequently preferred word was most often used in the context of love between family members, such as that between a parent and child or between family members in general.  It is a love driven by relationship.

The other two words are commonly used throughout the New Testament.  Philia (φιλíα) speaks of a brotherly love, friendship or affection.  It is the love of deep friendship and partnership.  It might be described as the highest love of which man, without God’s help, is capable of exhibiting.  It is a fondness, or love that is driven by common interests and affection.  The word Paul chose was the seldom-used Greek word agápē (άγάπες).  Perhaps its infrequent use prevented Paul’s readers from automatically assigning it some kind of preconceived idea, as would have been the case if he had chosen to use a word like Eros.  In fact, each of the other words he could have chosen speaks about the love that is felt.  These describe an “instinctive” love, one that is an elicited response stemming from an emotion or relationship.

It’s as if Paul assumes that eros (desire) and philia (fondness) are present in a marriage.  We should not act as if these things are of no importance in the marriage relationship.  These will both be present in a healthy marriage relationship.  Paul’s true intent is to address the need for a higher kind of love.  Agápē describes a different kind of love.  It is a love based on a conscious decision rather than a spontaneous impulse of the heart.  Though certainly the heart is involved in agápē love, it is the mind that rightly chooses to love the undeserving.  We can read this passage and think that Paul is saying “husbands, be kind to your wives.”  We could read it and assume that he is saying “husbands, be nice to your wives.”  There is no doubt that in many marriages these sentiments would serve as a noticeable improvement.  However, the mere sentiment isn’t what Paul is attempting to communicate.  What he really means is, “husbands, continually practice self-denial for the sake of your wives.”

Why would God command husbands to love their wives so completely?  As the creator of both husband and wife, He knows better than anyone the needs of a woman in marriage.  He understands that one of the greatest needs a woman possesses is to have the security of knowing that her husband completely loves her.  She needs that to thrive.  Knowing that God commanded the husband to fulfill that need in his wife.  In doing this, it gives the wife great confidence in the relationship because she’s able to say to herself and others “I know that I am number one in his life.”

For me, the message of loving my bride extends to setting an example for my daughters, of which I have three.  I want them to know what they can expect from their future husbands.  German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote:  “Through marriage men are brought into being for the glorification and service of Jesus Christ and for the increase of his kingdom.  This means that marriage is not only a matter of producing children but also educating them to be obedient to Jesus Christ…. In marriage, it is for the service of Jesus Christ that new men are created.”

In Christian homes, a husband and wife sharpen one another as “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17).  A natural by-product of this activity within the home is a benefit to our children as well.  Witnessing firsthand their father and mother seeking to put the other first serves as a powerful earthly example of selfless love.

All of us should seek to honor Christ by imitating his humility and servant-hood in our marriage.  As you lovingly practice servant leadership toward your spouse, you will, in turn, find your own deepest needs being met.  Have you told your wife you love her today?  Better yet, have you shown her?  This is a secret that leads to great blessing and provides fulfillment in your marriage and ministry.

Steve Scalici is part of the SendSFL church planting network residency. Steve and Apryl have been married for 17 years and live in Jupiter, Florida along with their three daughters.